Brown Eyes

I had May in my early twenties, only getting to enjoy the freedom of one semester in college before I was a mom.  When I realized I was pregnant, my boyfriend Matt was in the service and we decided not to stay dating while he was gone.  I had big plans to become an architect. My mom and stepdad didn’t really care for Matt anyway and they felt we were too young to be seriously involved.  So, when I found out I was pregnant, mom and Peter didn’t encourage me to tell Matt.

Eight weeks after Matt left, I finally heard from him.  When I told him I was pregnant, it was no surprise that he wasn’t overjoyed at the news.  

“Matt, my parents are letting me stay at home with the baby as long as I continue college.”

“Oh please do tell, what do Cindy and Peter have to say about me now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh come on Ellen, they never thought I would amount to anything.  Of course they’ll let you stay at home on their conditions.”

“Matt, I know.  My mom is so different after my dad died.  She’s all about Peter now. I went along because I knew I would be leaving for college soon.  Now what? What’s there for me?”

“Ellen, you know I can’t help you with anything now, I’m signed up for four years and who knows I might make a career out it.”

“I know Matt, I’m not asking you for anything, I’m fine and we’ll be fine.”  I hung up the phone and rubbed my belly and leaned back into the wall, “It’s just the two of us now.”

The next night at dinner, I told mom and Peter that I had talked to Matt and told him about the baby.  In mom’s typical fly out of control manner, she slammed her fist down on the table. “Why did you do that? Did you think he was going to run home to take care of you and the baby?”

“Cindy, that’s enough!” I never heard Peter raise his voice like that especially to my mom.  “Ellen did what she thought was best.”

I got up from the table and went to my bedroom.  As I was walking down the hallway, I thought about how nothing seemed familiar to me anymore. My dad was gone, Matt was gone and I was about to have a baby.  I sat in my chair looking out the window and listened to mom and Peter have their first argument that I knew of. Interestingly, Peter was standing up for me.  

Time felt like it was standing still but when the snow stopped falling and the birds returned to their trees, I was shocked at how little time was left before I would meet the love of my life for the very first time.  I had only heard from Matt a couple of times in the last few months and when we talked our conversations were strained and distant. It was like we didn’t know each other anymore

“I got my orders today.”

“Yeah, where to?”

“I was accepted into the program and I agreed to get training out of the country and stay in for at least eight years after that.”

“Out of the country, what does that mean?”

“It means I’m not allowed to say where I’m going other than my training is out of the country.”

My heart pounded so hard I heard the echo in my ears.  I kept blinking to keep my tears from escaping.

“Ok, sounds like everything is working out for you then.  I’m happy. Good luck, stay safe!”

I hung up the phone and rolled over on the bed.  I grabbed my pillow and clutched it as tight as I could with my big belly in the way.  I cried myself to sleep that night unaware that it was the last night I would ever be alone again.  When I woke up the next morning, my back hurt. I thought it was because of the way I slept. When I reached across the table to get an apple, my mom noticed the pain I was in and called the doctor.  Twelve hours later, I gave life to a beautiful and healthy baby girl named May. I would never forget when they handed her to me. I looked down and was met with the biggest brown eyes, a headful of dark curly hair and the strength it took to hold her neck up straight.  This moment is captured in my memory and I couldn’t imagine anything replacing it.

I didn’t take much time off after having May.  Before I knew it, I was back juggling school, work, and a baby.  It wasn’t easy keeping up with everything but I knew I had no other choice if I was going to make something of myself.  After all, Matt wasn’t coming back for us. In fact, he didn’t even know May was born. Mom and Peter helped out whenever they wanted to.  They didn’t make it easy for me, especially my mom. She felt she already raised her family and made it clear that I needed to figure it out.  Peter however, was much more helpful. He loved to pick up May from daycare and take her to the park. I saw Peter in a different way and appreciated his love for May.  I knew what it was like to have a dad who was around and cared for me. I knew that Peter couldn’t replace my dad but I cherished the moments he was a grandpa to May.

At times I thought about giving up and taking a break from school until May was bigger.  But whenever I had those moments, May would give me extra hugs and cuddle up with me on the couch.  I held my book in one hand and May in the other. As I looked down; I was met with the biggest, most confident, brown eyes.  I knew I had to stay in school.

My social life consisted of Saturday afternoons in the park with May. I was a frequent guest at the library on Sundays because they had children’s activities and I could sign May up for them and take advantage of the library to do school work.  

My hard work and dedication paid off and I received my degree in architecture. I was lucky and found a paid internship with a prestigious architectural firm that allowed me to complete the three-year internship program.  The firm hired me after I completed my degree and I continued to work up past architect, senior architect and senior manager. I was the reason the firm was awarded the contract for new construction.